When I ask men what they don’t like about women, complaining frequently tops the list. Men tend not to complain, at least not about little things. They’ve been taught, since they were little boys, to be tough, to endure, to be stoic, to be unemotional, to hold it in, to be MEN. Basically, they’ve been taught that it’s not manly to complain. Consequently, they have little tolerance for any kind of complaining, and especially whining.

But there’s more to it than that. Another reason they can’t tolerate complaining is that they have a need to fix problems, to find solutions. If a woman complains, he feels drawn to solve her problem. If she complains often, he begins to feel he can’t solve her problems and begins to feel like a failure.

Complaining isn’t asking for a solution. It’s just a way to make someone feel bad and wrong. A better way would be to say, “I have a problem that I need some help with.” State the problem, succinctly, then ask, “Can you help me solve it?” Or words to that effect. Enlist him to help solve the problem, even if he’s the source of that problem. Focus on how this problem is making you feel. That keeps you from blaming, because blaming is guaranteed to shut him down.

Or, you can tell him, “I don’t need you to fix this, but I’d sure like to be able to vent. How long can you handle me just whining about what happened?” This will keep it light, lets him know what’s expected of him, to just listen, and that you respect him enough to put a time limit on it.

If you complain all the time, you begin to be a bottomless pit. I’ve had a lot of men tell me the reason they left their marriage was because, “I could never make her happy.” If you’re not happy, they’ve failed at their primary job within the relationship. It’s like the hunter who comes home from the hunt empty-handed.

In the hunter’s case her unhappiness means she and their children are hungry for protein and, if that goes on long enough, everyone dies. So, this need to make women happy is really about survival and how well he provides.

Too many women make the man the source of their happiness. That’s too big a burden to put on anyone. You are responsible for your own happiness. When you take charge of making yourself happy, he feels successful, even though he may have absolutely nothing to do with it. When you’re happy you’re much more appealing to him, he feels like he’s successful as your partner, and his heart opens up to you. This is a case of win/win if there ever was one.

Another reason not to complain is because it’s unattractive. When a woman whines and complains, she’s downright ugly. Feminine Grace is at the core of everything I teach. It’s about doing everything with grace, having control over our actions, taking responsibility for how we are, how we feel, and how we react to others. It’s also about the impact our words and actions have on others.

If you want your relationships with men to improve, it boils down to you wanting to, becoming aware of what needs changing, then going about behaving differently. That’s what I teach women to do in Men Made Easy.

From my heart to yours,

The Heart Whisperer™