Many of our reactions to each other, what attracts us and drives us to want to be with someone of the opposite sex is deeply embedded in our biology and has to do with survival over the eons of time. But today, because survival is not the motivating factor in our lives, we are blessed with the opportunity to fall in love, to pleasure each other with romantic gestures and to want a love that endures and deepens over time.

When survival was the motivating factor in a couple marrying and creating a family, there weren’t the complications of dating. Even today, many cultures still have arranged marriages where the most important factors are political, economic and whether or not the woman seems to have baby-making potential. But in many cultures, like here in the U.S., it’s a lot of work to find someone with whom there is a mutual attraction and even more work to keep that love and attraction alive over time. One thing that can really help people have greater success is to know each other better. It is estimated that 83% of divorces could be prevented if couples asked each other the right questions. For a list of the most important questions to ask.

Most of our roll models for modern relationships are from movies and television. With divorce, kids don’t have any kind of roll model of how it might be to have a home with loving parents. So we are making it up as we go, and it’s pretty obvious that we’re not doing a very good job. One of the best ways to stay “in love” is to create triggers that help us let go of the petty grievances and stay focused on the qualities that attracted us in the first place.

During some quiet time, write a description of the man you fell in love with. Focus on the things that you most admire, the things that made you tingle at the thought of him, the things you did together, and the things he did to you. Bring back the feelings you had when you were falling in love with him and you couldn’t keep your mind off of him. Unless he’s changed and is mistreating you, you can re-ignite those feelings of love. Think of the strongest trigger for you and lock that in as the thing that you will think about when you begin to get angry or frustrated at him, especially when it’s over petty things.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or a perfect man or woman. But there is such a thing as love and it doesn’t have to die. But like any fire, if it doesn’t get tended, watched over, given more fuel to burn, it will go out. Love isn’t that easy to come by, especially love so strong that we actually want to marry someone. So how sad, when that love dies, especially if it is mostly because the relationship became less important than the job, the house, the social life, the shopping. Without love, life is lacking, like hearing a favorite love song, and having no one to dance with.

So make that list. Feel the feelings of love as you remember in vivid color, feel the emotions, and enjoy reliving the beginning of your love. Then share your best memories with your partner. Better yet, ask him to make a list of his own, then, on a special date or weekend away, share your memories. And don’t be surprised that you have new memories to share.

If you want to learn how to reignite your love, you’ll want to learn what I teach in Marriage Makeover Manual.

From my heart to yours,

The Heart Whisperer™

Woman often write to me asking how they can help a boyfriend who is addicted to drugs or alcohol.

Well, I know a bit about this topic because my mother was in AA for 44 years. One thing I’ve learned by being around addiction, and paying attention to what other women have gone through with their men, is that you cannot help someone who is addictive. It will only drag you down. The person can only help themselves.

It’s one thing to be married and have the problem of addiction creep up on you over time. It’s something different entirely to date someone who is addicted.

It’s easy to get sucked into trying to help someone we are developing feelings for. But you should want a  man who is strong, capable, someone you can respect, someone who makes your life better, not filled with problems, someone who cherishes and adores you and would never want to create problems for you.

When someone is addicted to anything–drugs, alcohol, gambling, women–they only care about getting more. They are not capable of caring about you. Yes, there are moments, but it’s not worth the heartache because YOU CANNOT FIX THEM… you cannot help them… they can only help themselves… and only after they hit bottom, meaning they’ve taken themselves and everyone around them down to that awful place.

Even those who do not ruin their lives, who can just stop their addictive behavior, cannot be helped. They must do it on their own, when they are ready.

It’s not your problem and to get involved when you don’t have to is something you need to look at about yourself. If you are in this kind of situation, you need to get to a point where you realize you deserve better. Of course, he’s worth helping, but you’re worth living a happy life where you don’t take on the problems of someone else. He’ll get help when he’s ready.

You will waste your precious time and energy trying to fix someone who is not fixable. Only he can fix himself, and only when he’s ready.

Another thing I learned from being around the AA program is that it’s best for someone to wait for a couple of years of sobriety (at least) before they should get into a relationship. That’s because relationships can push so many buttons and be so stressful.

So the bottom line is, move on. Don’t try to help anyone, boyfriend, girlfriend, family member when they are addicted to something. They must help themselves.

If you are in the habit of dating men who aren’t emotionally available, who don’t cherish you, who don’t respect you…etc…etc…then it’s time to start dating smart so you will find Mr. Right. Don’t waste another moment on Mr. Wrong.

A Man Wants To Be With a Woman Who Makes Him Feel Like a Man

For most men, being a man is everything. It’s their whole identity. Most everything they do and care about is judged by how masculine they are. it’s understandable when you consider how much of a man’s identity is wrapped up in presenting himself as a “real man.” Here are some of the categories that men care about, and admire in other men:

• Work
• Sports
• Strength
• Intelligence
• Sex
• Competition
• Body
• Provider
• Protector
• Financial success
• Problem solver
• The woman he chooses

Men have been taught since they were little boys that they should excel at being men, that they should be strong, take charge, and be successful. They take a lot of pride in being the man. When you know how important it is to them to feel good about how good they are at being men, you’ll pay more attention and appreciate all the masculine things they do and how well they do them.

One of the secrets in Men Made Easy is “A man needs to feel understood and accepted as a man.” When you learn that understanding men at this level will enhance your love life, you’ll be glad you learned how to use this secret.

From my heart to yours,

The Heart Whisperer™

Have you ever found yourself unable to enjoy sex because you were preoccupied with your to-do list? It’s a common complaint I get from both men and women. The busier our lives are, the more likely it will creep into the bedroom.

The best way to deal with this dilemma is, when you find yourself thinking of something other than the lovemaking, just bring your focus back to the physical sensations. You can’t think of more than one thing at a time. If you pay close attention to what you’re feeling it will allow you to immerse yourself back into the sex.

Once you’re focused on the physical sensations that you’re experiencing, then you can allow your mind to do it’s normal things, like noticing your partner, how they look, smell, taste, feel, what they’re doing to you, what you’re doing to them, and how you’re responding to each other.

Lovemaking is a time to go away from the day-to-day, to get lost in the moment. Don’t lose out on those opportunities. The to-do list will wait for you.

Did you know that for most men, the only way they know how to be intimate? I have an entire chapter in my book, Men Made Easy, that explains why and how you can use this information to keep your relationship passionate and ever deepening in love.

From my heart to yours,

The Heart Whisperer™

A lot of women complain that their boyfriend doesn’t call or email enough. This complain often goes along with an explanation that his work is really important to him and takes a lot of his time and attention.

First, it’s important to understand what his work means to him. In my book, Men Made Easy, I have a whole chapter on why a man needs to feel successful and how you can use this knowledge to get more of what you want. But for now, the best way to deal with men is to give them opportunities to solve your problem, which they are hard-wired to want to do, and be your hero, which happens to make them feel successful. It’s all about creating Win/Win Love™.

So, here’s what you do to get him to connect with you more often. Tell him that, being a woman, you need to connect probably more than he does. Tell him you really appreciate how hard he works and understand how important his work is to him. This will help him feel understood, which he needs more than just about anything. (I have written a whole chapter on this as well.)

Then, to give him the opportunity to fix your problem, make you happy, and be your hero, all at the same time, ask him for suggestions for how you can get more of your needs to connect met. Then, let him come up with a solution. He gets to be the problem solver for you and that makes him your hero. Then be okay with what he suggests because that will tell you clearly how much he’s willing to give. But whatever he offers, let him know how happy he’s made you and how much you appreciate his willingness to give you whatever he’s offered. See, it’s all about creating Win/Win Love™.

From my heart to yours,

The Heart Whisperer™

Travel is one of the best ways to bring romance into a relationship. No matter how long a couple has been together, getting away from the day-to-day routine is the best way for them to focus on being together. Have you ever noticed when you go to dinner with your partner it’s an intimate experience, no matter where it is? That’s because the table at which you’re sitting is your private island. When you’re at home, the whole house is part of the space you share with all the to-do’s, the TV, and the kids.

When you travel, that sense of intimacy is carried with you. Wherever you are is your private world, shared by just the two of you. Routine is very dangerous for a relationship. That’s when we forget to put each other as a priority, as special in our lives. Traveling to a new place is about leaving the routine behind. Every moment is a new adventure.

Routine is not the only killer of romance. Not growing, not changing, not being interested in new things and ideas makes a person become routine. Travel, especially to new places, is about changing, learning, growing, expanding. We become interesting to each other again. Because you’re open to the unknown when you travel you’re more likely to try things you might not at home. Like making love on the sand under a romantic moon, dancing all night, wearing that new teddy, flirting over an afternoon glass of wine.

So make arrangements to go somewhere you both consider romantic. Do things together, play, relax, make love. Remember back to when you first fell in love and bring back that magic and create memories that will last a lifetime. Learn how to reignite love in my book, Marriage Makeover Manual.

From my heart to yours,

The Heart Whisperer™

One of the most prevalent things women do is try to rush things. We tend to want to know “where do we stand as a possible couple, where is this going, how does he feel, what’s he thinking.” Unless you have some dire urgency to know now, why not enjoy this sweet and tender part of the relationship, when you’re both discovering each other, enjoying learning new things, tentatively taking the next step. What I’ve noticed is that women are so focused on “where is this going,” that they miss out on what’s happening right now. And right now is the only place life happens. If we’re somewhere else, we’re missing out on life.

Learn the secrets about men in my book, Men Made Easy and start practicing using them, begin to develop a stronger sense of Feminine Grace, and as you begin to enjoy being a woman more and more, he will notice. If you focus on being beautiful in all your interactions with him, let him know how he enhances your life, how much you appreciate the man he is…you will become indispensable to his sense of well-being and he will get to a point where he can’t stand the thought of not being with you. It could turn out he’s not the right one for you, or not ready for what you want, but in the meantime, you can be learning how to use my secrets about men. It’s all good…

From my heart to yours,

The Heart Whisperer™

You can bring back the passion in a long term relationship by following this advice:

Each of you take time to be alone and think back to when you were “in love” and “in lust” with your partner, particularly in the beginning. Write down all those things you did to and for each other, all the things you loved doing together, all the things you loved them doing to and for you. When you’re done, create a separate list of those things your partner did to and for you.

Now, make a date with your partner so you will be undisturbed. Go somewhere special that you both consider romantic. Bring your lists and share them with each other. As you go through your lists, describing the early experiences of love, let yourself enjoy those feelings again. Share what you did, what they did, how you felt, how they looked, how you reacted to all those things from that early stage when the passion was at a fever pitch. Explain in as much detail as you can, especially the feelings. Make lots of eye contact.

Exchange lists of what you liked your partner to do for you. Then, once in a while, surprise each other by doing some of those things. Make dates to do the things you used to do. Keep the lists where you can be reminded often and get in the habit of being that romantic couple who fell in love. As you spend more and more time in those romantic feelings, you will become more passionate.

This will not happen on its own. You must consciously want it, and make it a part of your daily lives. Sometimes we simply get out of the habit of being “in love.” You can learn more about this exercise and many others in Marriage Makeover Manual.

From my heart to yours,

The Heart Whisperer™

Women write to me all the time worrying about how their relationship is going and wanting to know what they can do to “make him fall in love with me and want to commit to only me.”

Stop it!!! Stop the worrying and fretting. Worrying about how you’re doing will take away from the power of your Feminine Grace. Worrying is not pleasant energy to be around. And fretting about “where is this going, how does he really feel about me, when will he say ‘I love you,’ when will he commit,” are exactly the way to turn him off and cause him to withdraw.

Here are a few points to remember:

1. Always be beautiful in “how you are.”
2. That means: no nagging, whining, complaining, belittling, gossiping, etc.; not just toward him, but everyone else, including yourself.
3. Let him know how he makes you happy.
4. Appreciate him for all he does for you.
5. Appreciate his masculine qualities, especially those he admires in himself.
6. MOST IMPORTANT, take responsibility for your own happiness, and BE HAPPY. Every time you let him know you’re unhappy, he takes it personally.

Do all that, and he will never want to risk losing you because he’ll see how you are different from EVERY other woman he’s known.

Women today are very powerful but that power needs to be packaged within Feminine Grace if you are going to be able to make a man feel loved, appreciated and looked up to. Too often, powerful women make a man feel emasculated. But know this, a man also wants to look up to and respect his woman. Not easy, but because we’re women, we can do it. The secrets for how to do that are here.

From my heart to your,

The Heart Whisperer™

I was recently having a discussion with my daughter-in-law about the decision to make babies. It amazes me that there are tons of tests to be taken, degrees to be earned, permits to be gotten, and licenses to be applied for to do just about anything in our society. But when it comes to the most important thing two people can do–making babies–it requires no knowledge or skill sets. Not that I’m suggesting that there be more interference in our lives from government. But it’s the contrast that screams so loudly.

Raising children is the supreme activity in our society because it is the children who will grow up and become tomorrow’s adults. Adults who can either be an addition to society or a burden and worse, a scourge. Sadly, most babies are conceived as an accident in a moment of passion. That’s fine when the two people are in a committed, long-term relationship. But we all know that even then, the babies often come at inopportune times. Either it’s too soon, there isn’t yet financial stability, the woman can’t stay home with the baby, or the couple hasn’t had time to fully enjoy their new marriage. Having children is a huge undertaking and the state of parenthood should be entered into with a great deal of forethought, at least ideally.

But all too often pregnancy is an accident, as in my case. I was nineteen, first year of college, and stupid. Fortunately I got pregnant with a college senior who was a good man/boy. We loved each other, he was willing to marry me, he was able to create a financially secure life for us, and he was a good husband and father for the twenty-nine years of our marriage. But I was one of the lucky ones. Most don’t fare that well.

Even when the pregnancy is because a couple decided to have a baby the reasons aren’t always that sound. Many times, when the romance is wearing off, a couple thinks they will be able to improve their relationship by starting their family. It’s logical because, on the surface, it seems like a baby would strengthen their bond. But all it does is create stress that the relationship can’t handle. When a relationship is precarious, bringing a baby into the picture can be the proverbial straw.

My advice to my daughter-in-law was that babies should not enter the picture until after the couple has gone through the fluttery stages of love, romance, and passion. When things settle down and the couple realizes that they really, truly love each other in that deeply bonded way, when they can look at each other with deep respect and admiration and know for sure, without any doubts, that they want to be together for their foreseeable future, then and only then should they begin their family.

Unfortunately, that’s not the way people do it and today’s divorce rate is going to play havoc on our society. Children need two parents and a stable home and, sadly, way too many children are having to go without those basic things. I applaud single parents for the huge job and responsibility that it is to raise children alone, but the children are suffering in untold ways and it makes my heart sad. I’m grateful that I didn’t divorce until my children were grown. Even then, it was hard on my daughter, although she now sees that it was a good thing for my growth as a person. Just something to think about.

From my heart to yours,

The Heart Whisperer™
Visit Kara’s Website to find out about all her books and programs: KaraOh.com