Sunday mornings I go to the gym to work out and every once in a while, I sit at the counter with my book and enjoy a full-on breakfast at Santa Barbara’s best.

This morning I was sitting at the counter and, for whatever reason, looked around the restaurant. All the booths and tables were filled with happy people enjoying each others company. Husbands and wives with kids; sets of couples sharing booths; college age kids; several groups of boisterous guys and a few groups of happy women.

Silly me, with my emotions hanging out  for everyone to see––as they always are––tears started to fill my eyes. It was embarrassing but I don’t think anyone was paying attention. What I was noticing was how exuberant and affable everyone was. What brought the tears to my eyes were these thoughts: “What if everyone got along this well all the time? Everyone in this restaurant ––except for families––were once strangers. And now that they know each other, look how happy they all are. Some could even be meeting people for the first time, but in this setting, they’re instantly accepted as a friend.”

If I hadn’t been sitting there alone, I might have missed this very special moment. In my heart, I was hugging everyone…so happy for all of them.

When you’re alone, take a moment to just notice what’s going on with the people around you. Most often, we’re busy, hustling from one thing to the other; not noticing the people around us, sometimes even those we’re interacting with; judging those who are different in dress, custom or beliefs; sometimes fearful simply because we don’t know someone. If you notice how disconnected you are, in that moment smile and remember, “We’re all strangers, but in the right circumstances, we could all be friends.”

From my heart to yours,

The Heart Whisperer™

A woman wrote to me telling how much she liked my book, how it showed the mistakes she’d made with past relationships, including her now ex-husband, and how she liked doing for him. I got worried that she might have thought I was telling her she needed to be the dutiful little woman. No!…No!…No! That’s not it at all. Here’s the advice I gave her so she doesn’t blow it:

Hi Suzanne,

I enjoyed reading your email. Sounds like you’ve reconnected with your feminine energy. But you want him to treat you like a queen so don’t be docile, spoil or mother him. Everything you do for him should be in appreciation for what he does for you.

Examples: “Because you treat me so well, I’d like to cook dinner for you.” “You make me feel so beautiful. Can I give you a back rub as a thank you?” This way the romance won’t die. What almost always happens is when a woman feels secure in her new relationship, she starts doing for him. Cooking meals, making social plans, sometimes even buying him gifts. What man is going to say, “Hey, stop being so good to me, you’re taking my job away from me.” Of course he’s going to settle in and just let you do all those wonderful things. He gets lazy, you start wondering where the romance has gone, and he is clueless.

So, it’s okay to do for him, okay to even buy an gift occasionally, but always make it as a thank you or appreciation for what a great man he is for you, how he makes you feel, how well he takes care of you, how wonderfully he made love to you. This way, you don’t become a doormat, you keep encouraging him to do for you, he gets to feel like the man, etc. I hope this makes sense.

The moment you start nesting and doing wifely things or worse, treating him like a child, reminding him to do things, finding his keys, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry… he no longer has to work to keep you happy, which takes away one of his primary jobs as your man. So, when you do all those things, simply remind him how much you appreciate him, let him know how happy he makes you, how taken care you feel, how beautiful, sexy, etc. The last secret in Men Made Easy is: A man wants to be with a woman who makes him feel like a man.

So give him lots of opportunities to be your hero, appreciate the heck out of him, brag in front of him to his family and friends and he’ll be so happy that you’re his woman… because you make him feel like a man. Or when you want to do things for him, let him know it’s because he has been your hero. Then the masculine and feminine aspects of the dance of romance will continue.

The moment you become his mother, or cause him to get lazy because he doesn’t have to do anything to make you happy, the romance goes out the door.

Try it, it works.

From my heart to yours,

Here’s one of the most typical questions I get. Maybe it will help you next time you meet a man you’re interested in:

Dear Kara, I was just watching your four videos on your Men Made Easy website and found them very interesting. And I saw the contact botton, lol, and thought I could get some real advice from an expert. Well this is my situation, I have been dating this guy for a month now, I know it doesn’t seem that long but we are literally together day and night 5-7 days a week. And I am super confused about where our relationship is going. Sometimes he says I am his girlfriend, and then sometimes, I am just a friend. One day he says he is not ready for a relationship then the next its a different story. I don’t want to rush him into a relationship but it feels like we are in one. Why is he so confused, how can I just make him fall in love with me? I really like him and I feel like he is the one for me, but am I crazy cause it has only been a month. I have not found one thing I dislike about him? What should I do?

My response:

I hope that by day and night that doesn’t mean you are sleeping with him. You should not have sex with a man until he has made it clear he wants you to be his girlfriend. The moment you have sex powerful bonding hormones start flooding your brain and you’re hooked without really knowing who he is. And if he isn’t convinced you’re the one for him, you’ve blown it.

The subtitle of my book is “How To Get What You Want From a Man.” If you don’t understand the inner workings of a man’s heart and mind, you will not know what to do to get him to fall in love with you.

One of the most important secrets in my book is, “A man wants to be with a woman who makes him feel like a man.” If a man doesn’t have to work to win the heart of a woman, she has taken away from him one of the most enjoyable parts of being a man. Once he knows you’re his, he relaxes and doesn’t feel he has to do anything more to get you. So, if he got you without any kind of commitment that you’re his girlfriend, he knows he can string you along as long as he’s interested.

I hope you use this as a good lesson for future relationships. Make him work by not giving in until YOU have what YOU want. If he’s really interested, he’ll do whatever you need. If he’s not interested enough to do what you need, than you can say, “thank you, next.” So many women tell me, “But if I don’t give him what he wants, he’ll leave.” Sorry but, “Duh.” You want him to leave if he’s not willing to give you what you want.

You should ONLY want to be with a guy who is crazy about you. Otherwise, you’ll always wonder what his intentions are because you gave in too easily. This is not about playing a game and being hard to get. This is about real life. You need to be sure he cares enough to make you happy. That’s the only way to have a rock-solid relationship. In business, it’s called “Do Diligence.” For instance, in real estate, you check out everything to be sure it’s a good buy. If you’re buying a business, you go through the books, find out if it’s a solid business, that the price they’re asking fits with the true value of the business. Same thing goes with picking a boyfriend. Do diligence means waiting long enough for him to prove to you that he really cares for you, respects you, is proud to be seen with you, etc.

From my heart to yours,

A woman wrote and asked how she can repair her relationship. She was depressed and angry for a period of time and her boyfriend pulled away and quit putting any effort into the relationship.

I thought my response might be helpful for women in the same situation:

From what I’ve learned about men, they really don’t do well with a woman being too emotional, whether it’s depression or screaming and ranting. They feel responsible and if there’s anger, they feel emasculated and repelled by ugly behavior. Depending on how it manifests, how long it goes on, how bad the attacks are, they can completely pull away and lose their desire to come back together. The best thing to do is to admit you were ugly, let him know you understand exactly why he would pull away, that you are much more aware of your behavior and more in control now. Apologize and ask him for suggestions for how to fix things. Asking a man for suggestions on how to solve a problem is giving them an opportunity to be your hero. When we just complain, they pull further and further away.

See how he responds to your request for him to solve this problem and see if he wants to be your hero. If he doesn’t, it usually means their feelings have cooled. When a man really loves a woman, he will want to do everything he can to make his woman happy. It’s when his efforts go into a bottomless pit that they get worn out.

From my heart to yours,

Here’s a video a facebook friend shared with me this morning. I feel compelled to share it with you here:

From my heart to yours,

Someone asked me the following question today and I thought it would be an interesting topic to post here:

Hi Kara,
I have some very good friends who tell everyone, even people on FB that they’ve never met that they “Love” them. While I appreciate the compassion and sentiment, I think it’s inauthentic. To me, “Love” is how I feel about VERY dear friends and family. If they saw me saying that to everyone, our connection wouldn’t seem so special. What do you think?

And my response:

I agree with you. I also find it a bit strange when people get too gushy about their ‘facebook family’ and how special they are. I enjoy the people I interact with here and have met a few face-to-face and talked to some on the phone but I don’t gush. Instead, I appreciate, which IS authentic.

In our language we use love to describe an awful lot of things. In Spanish, the only language I know well enough to describe, they have different terms for different types of love and the “I love you” for their romantic partner is used very judiciously. We would do better if we had a variety of words to describe love. I love chocolate, I love the memory of my dear little dog, I love that you asked me this question, I love my ex-fiance’ but like a brother now. Wouldn’t it be great if we had a different word for each of those connotations of ‘love.’

I remember when I was starting to feel a need to pull away from my fiance’, I was very conscious of not wanting to even sign an email with the word love in it. That kind of love can only be authentic when it’s felt. Now I can tell him I love him but in the way I love him as a brother, not a romantic partner. It is authentic, but feels different.

Thank you for asking the question. I really appreciate it. – And I mean that! “-)

Here’s something to alleviate some of the stress women go through because they wish their thighs were thinner. I’ve always thought those models with a boulevard size space between their thighs looked horrible, now there’s a good reason to NEVER get that thin.

On a recent bodyodd.msnbc.msn blog, it explains how Danish researchers studied 2,800 middle-aged people and found those with the slimmest thighs had the highest chance of heart disease and premature death. Yikes! Not good.

And, since my blog is dedicated to the topic of love, and physical attraction has to do with a man being able to “get it up,” LADIES, men don’t want a woman who’s skinny – well, maybe the men in Beverly Hills do – they want a woman who’s healthy.

So instead of putting all that energy into being skinny, focus instead on being healthy. That requires smart eating, exercise and a positive outlook on life. The benefits? Not only will you be more attractive, you’ll live longer and healthier and have a MUCH higher quality of life. Yeah!

A woman wrote to me recently wanting to know how she can trust her man. He lied to her and said some mean, hurtful things while under the influence of alcohol. He has since become sober and working very hard to rebuild her trust in him and her love. He sound like a very loving, caring man who apologizes regularly, letting her know he wants to gain back her trust. I thought my response might hit a chord with some of my readers.

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Hi S.,

I’m going to be very blunt, and honest, which is the only way I can be of any service.

First, I have to say that all the disharmony you are feeling within you are created by you, in your own mind. That isn’t to say those things you described aren’t happening. But your reaction to them, and the hanging on to the negative feelings are within your power to change.

You are focusing on what your partner has done that hurt you, rather than on how hard he is trying to show you his love. He’s there for you in ways that many women would love to have in their lives. He is admitting his weaknesses. We all have weaknesses and acknowledging them to our partner is a powerful way to connect. It appears you CAN trust him to be there for you, to support you, to love you, to care about your well-being.

I suggest you focus on what you DO have, acknowledge him for all that he gives you. We often push our partners away by keeping in the forefront that which isn’t working, rather than that which is.

If you sit and either in your mind, or in actuality, connect with his heart, allowing the energy from your hearts to merge, let go of the hurt, focus on the love… I suspect you will be brought to tears. If you do this process, then hold those feelings of connection and “one-ness” as you go about your week, the energy between you will shift. You will both become more loving, more accepting and more open to each other.

Regarding the other things you mentioned, your brother, mother, father… you can either allow those things to create disharmony within you, or you can just accept them as part of this thing we call life. The Buddha talked about how we live in a state of suffering and how it is of our own making.

Yes, bad things happen but our response to the people and situations around us (including the thoughts we have about our own actions) is completely within our power to control.

I recommend you begin a daily practice of gratitude. Before you go to sleep list all the things you are grateful, from the profound to the mundane. You will awaken with more peace in your heart and you will become a more loving person. Then, throughout each day, remind yourself to be grateful for something, even if it is that you do not have any hangnails today. It doesn’t matter because when we are holding gratitude in our hearts, we cannot hold anger, hurt, resentment, or any other negative thought or feeling.

One of the questions on my facebook wall recently was about why we call it personal growth “work.” It takes conscious effort to transform our daily thoughts but when we do, we can become whatever kind of person we most want to be. But, this is important, many people I work with actually choose to be miserable. It’s comfortable in that it is familiar and there is no work involved, no effort that needs to be put out. They don’t know they are they choosing to be miserable they just think they are being right.

It’s not always easy to be brutally honest with ourselves but it is a requirement if we are going to “work” ourselves into the habit of being happy. And this is about habits. Our “thinking habits” color each moment of our lives.

I hope that helps in that I’ve given you some things to think about. I’m glad you’re a friend and interact with us on my wall.

Here’s another question from a different facebook friend:

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Hi Kara,

I had a quick question. The thing is, I’ve always believed that I shouldn’t be with a man who cheats on me. If a man cheats on me, I loose all trust in him. And without trust…

However, I’ve been talking to a few of my girl friends and each time, this topic came up. They all said in various ways that I should instead try to understand the guy’s side. They brought up various sort of ‘acceptable’ reasons, the craziest being witchcraft! Yes, one told me I should understand it if another female used some witchcraft spell or love portion and succeeded in seducing him!!

At this point, I felt that they were just looking for any reason to accept it.
To me its pretty simple. If a guy’s cheating/having sex with some lucky lady out there, whats done is done. Actions are always louder than words.

I’m I really being too rigid on this topic? These past couple of days, I’ve heard this over and over again and i’m almost starting to doubt.

Thanks,
C.

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Well, I’m with you, C. I think they are just making excuses for what they don’t want to face.

Here’s what I believe:
1. It’s not natural to be monogamous
2. But, when we make a promise to someone that we will be, then breaking that promise is what really is important
3. It has to to with a person’s integrity
4. We should not be in a relationship with a person who lacks integrity
5. If we are a self-respecting person, we will not respect a person who lacks integrity
6. If someone has made a promise to us and breaks it, we can not respect nor trust that person any longer

Therefore, we should not be with someone we do not trust or respect. I left my 29 year marriage because my husband, a good, well meaning man, cheated. It wasn’t that he had sex with someone else, it was the lies he told to my face. When I discovered the deceit, I realized I no longer respected or trusted him.

It’s not the sex, it’s the broken promise that matters. If a woman respects herself, she will not stay with a man who cheats.

I stand with you. I hope that helps.

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Thanks so much for the quick reply. I broke up with my ex last year due to that and the fact that his lies had no ending. I actually feel relief now,and I’m just thankful not to have such a person in my life.

I believe in integrity, self-respect and trust. I also believe that we have the right to demand that in our relationships.

29 years is a very long time and I won’t even pretend to imagine I know what you went through.

What I can say though is that when the hurt eventually faded away, you were really proud of the fact that you realized that you deserved better.

If there is one thing I know, its that that special man in your life knows just how much self-respect you have for yourself, and what a strong and special woman you are. The fact that you could walk away shows that it isn’t a relationship, marriage or someone else who makes you happy, but that you make yourself happy.

You are so inspiring, its amazing.

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It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to endure. I cried all day, every day, from the moment I woke up until I fell asleep at night, exhausted. I was going to school at the time so during class, I did great (ended up on the Dean’s Honor Roll) but between classes and before and after, tears.

But, I know I was growing and learning about myself. It turned out to be the greatest gift of my life. I never know I could be as happy, empowered, sensuous and fully a woman as I am today.

I remember once pacing in front of my husband, angry, saying to him, “I’m not ready to leave this situation yet because there’s more for me to learn.” When I did leave, I knew it was time, I’d learned everything I was going to, and I have never once felt I should have stayed even one minute longer. No regrets… just blessings.
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I really believe the primary reason to be in a relationship (other than to make babies) is for the opportunity to grow. Relationship really is “the fast track to personal growth.” But you need to have the tools and know-how to take advantage of all the opportunities that are being thrown at us almost daily. They each represent A.F.L.E. (Another F—ing Learn Experience.)

A facebook friend asked me the following question:

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Kara,

I just ordered your book last night in the middle of the night!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so excited to devour it. So, new communication skills. GREAT, seeing as I already speak several languages. But, I have a date tonight! The book won’t arrive until…

HOW do I communicate I want more “connection” in a way he’ll get it?? Show Don Juan de Marco?? ; )

THANK YOU!!!!!!!
Sonya

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My response:

Let him know how it makes you feel (all those juicy womanly things) when he does the things you like. This encourages him to do more rather than complaining that he’s falling short.

And do let him know the ways he makes you happy, the ways he makes you feel like a woman, the masculine things you admire and appreciate about him. These will all make him see you as someone he wants more of… because you make him feel so good. He’ll associate those feelings with you because most everywhere else, he’s being torn down or feeling insecure because he’s always comparing himself to where he stands in the hierarchy of men.

Most important secret in Men Made Easy: A man wants to be with a woman who makes him feel like a man.

When you give him that, he’ll be more open to wanting to make you happy. Men like it when you tell them specifically what will make you happy.

Specifically: When you ….. it makes me feel so …… You definitely know how to make me happy.
This will encourage more “good” behavior.

I hope that helps,
Kara
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Her response:

Kara,
It TOTALLY WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!
BLUSHING THANKS
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