Okay, here’s how my thinking rolled along, ending up with the above title, knowing I had something helpful to share with you…

I’m sitting out here on my patio, looking at my beautiful view, listening to John Legend’s “So High,” sent to me by Stephen, my CO (Chosen One) in a text (Check out the heart-melting lyrics.)

Stephen is just ten feet away, working on his computer, enjoying the music with me. I think to myself, “It’s so nice to be sharing the enjoyment of this music, this day, this beautiful place we live in with Stephen.”

I then think about how it felt to be with my ex-boyfriend and how we had so little in common. I contrast how it feels now to be with Stephen, compared to how it felt to be with my ex–lovely man that he is.

Conclusion? I can feel how my spirit was literally dying.

Okay, so that’s how I decided to write about how being with the wrong man can kill your spirit. For starters, the question in the title really should be, How Are You Killing Your Spirit? That’s because we kill our own spirit by staying with the wrong man, for too long.

We can say “they” killed it, but only we have control of our thinking, our emotions and our reaction to the influence of others.

• Our spirit dies a little every time we acquiesce to his needs.
• Our spirit dies a little every time we make love when we’re feeling disconnected from him.
• Our spirit dies a little every time we hang out with him when you would rather be with your girlfriends.
• Our spirit dies a little every time we allow him to be even the tiniest bit disrespectful.

It’s one thing to be in a less than satisfying relationship in order to learn the lessons that are there for you. But when you go beyond that time, when you go into a state of ‘enduring,’ your spirit will die.

Enduring, settling, keeping the peace, fear of hurting his feelings… If you stay longer than you know you should–and you do know already–then you are allowing your spirit to die. Please, please heed this message and leave if this is happening to you.

You are too precious to live this way. Your life is a grand gift that should be honored. The best way I know of to honor your life and your spirit is to be as happy as you can be, filled with love.

I want you to be happy, to celebrate that you are a magnificent woman, a gift to the right man…a man who will cherish and adore you and treat you like a queen.

To understand men, you can start with my 3 free ebooks, which describe men as Caveman, Dog and Prince. Fun and enlightening. You can get them at KaraOh.com.

When a man asks the question, “Is this all there is?”, somewhere between 35 and 55, they often go into what is referred to as Midlife Crisis. It is a serious time in their lives because it is the peak time (other than during the teen years) when they are most likely to commit suicide, to ruin their marriage, their family, their finances, abuse drugs or alcohol, etc. So it is not to be taken lightly.

But, that doesn’t mean you should take any kind of abuse. You need to focus on taking care of yourself, and not take what he’s doing personally because it isn’t about you. It’s about him, trying to come into rapport to how his life is, at that moment in time. Most don’t have the skills to deal with that kind of question, which is why they seek pleasure, lost youth, thrills, etc. It’s simply a way to avoid the question that is haunting them.

So focus on you, take care of yourself, do things that help you grow, and try your best to just hold things together. DO NOT accuse him of having a midlife crisis, of being a child, or anything else because that will for sure push him away. Just do what you can to insulate yourself (and your finances) from the things he’s doing.

Hear this: “It isn’t about you.”

I know you want answers, but this is what I know about this very serious topic. I wrote a book on it, and right before it was ready to be published, my computers were stolen and I lost it. So I’ve put a lot of time and energy into understanding this fragile time in a man’s life.

It isn’t about you.

To understand men better, you will want to download my 3 free ebooks that answer the question: Is he a Caveman, a Dog, a Prince, or all three? Get yours immediately at KaraOh.com.

To truly understand men and why they do what they do…and more imporantly, how you can get more of what you want, you’ll want to start reading Men Made Easy right away.

I introduced the concept of Feminine Grace™ ten years ago in the first edition of Men Made Easy. It’s the foundation by which a woman should live her life, if she wants to be her happiest, with an immeasurable capacity to give and receive love.

I’m working on finishing the book so many woman are wanting, titled “Feminine Grace, a Step-by-Step Guide To a Brand New You.” But in the meantime, I get a lot of questions about what Feminine Grace™ is. So here is a description of the thing that I’ve found has led me to live the most amazing life, shared with the most lovely, funny, sexy, smart and kind man I’ve ever known.

An excerpt from Men Made Easy:

Feminine Grace™ is when a woman is truly happy being a woman. She is comfortable with her femininity without being overtly sexual. Feminine Grace is coming into rapport with being a woman and loving it in every way.

For example, a corporate woman can attempt to compete with men and try to be equal, which is impossible. An apple and an orange, while still fruit, will never be the same. Or she can be fully a woman, confident in her own expertise and knowledge, interacting with others as a woman, not an approximation of a man.

That kind of woman is respected by her peers, male and female, not resented or looked down on. She dresses as a woman, not as a man, but, understanding and respecting men, she’s careful not to be sexual in her attire. Men say they cannot work with a woman who dresses sexy and not think about sex. It’s a matter of decorum, taste, style, and self-respect, mixed with a desire to let her beauty show through.

With Feminine Grace™:

1. You don’t need a man to feel complete, but you’re happy to admit if you want one.

2. You’re empowered by being a woman, never using it as an excuse.

3. You’re comfortable being you and like who you are.

4. You enjoy expressing your uniqueness in how you look, not following trends.

5. You’re eager to learn, grow, and improve yourself.

6. You express yourself with knowledgeable confidence.

7. You know who you are and you’re proud of it.

8. You like your body and how you look, and you take care of yourself.

9. You take responsibility for your life, not blaming others for your circumstances.

10. You’re happy from within, not needing others to make you happy.

11. You like people and people like you.

12. You genuinely like and appreciate men.

Some well-known modern icons of Feminine Grace™ are Tova Borgnine, Sophia Loren, Maya Angelou, and Susan Sarandon. Some who continue to leave their mark on the world, even after their death, are Katherine Hepburn, Audrey Hepburn, Princess Diana, and Grace Kelly.

Women who embody Feminine Grace™ are comfortable with themselves. They enjoy their individuality, without the need for competition. They genuinely like men. Their sexuality flows freely and effortlessly.

What they do, they do with confidence and grace. Men and women like and respect them, and their beauty glows from within. These women are beautiful, but not because they’re fashion queens. They’re beautiful because they know who they are and they like themselves.

They do their creative best to look and be their best every day in every way, working with their natural assets as well as learned behaviors to make themselves into what they are, exuding grace and charm and sensuality without being overly sexual.

Feminine Grace™ is joy, accomplishment, and love that comes from within. It’s time to begin to acknowledge your feminine power, a power that comes from loving being a woman. You’ll then accomplish your dreams because you believe in yourself, and do so with creativity, sensuality, love, and happiness in your heart.

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After years of studying what makes men tick, learn what I’ve discovered about men by downloading my 3 free ebooks. You’ll learn if your guy is a Caveman, a Dog, a Prince or all three at KaraOh.com.

There are some really simple ways to get a man’s attention and cause him to want to get to know you. But I thought it would be fun, and maybe drive the point home in a more powerful way, to tell you how you can turn men off, guaranteed. Clearly, this is all tongue-in-cheek, but it’s still the truth.

5 Ways To Turn Men Off:

1) Slouch. One of the quickest, easiest ways to look completely unattractive, to actually be repellent, is to slouch. When you stand up straight, with good posture, the message you are broadcasting is, “I’m confident, comfortable with who I am, and I’m worth getting to know.”

When you slouch you’re saying, “I’m not worthy of your notice, I’m insecure, ignore me, treat me as a second-class citizen.” What man will be interested in that? Plus, you send great energy when you stand tall and as an added bonus, your breasts look much more attractive.

2) Smoke. If you really want to turn men off big-time, light a cigarette. When you do so you advertise that you’re a low-class woman; your hair, clothes, and breath stink; you taste horrible when kissed; you have no respect for your body or your health or your future appearance because you are guarantee to be very wrinkled, and wrinkled before your time. I don’t think I need to say more.

Being a non-smoker will keep the door open to a classy, quality man. Smoking will only attract another smoker.

3) Get drunk. This will advertise very nicely that you lack self-control, that you are blind to how embarrassing you are, how risky it will be that you will throw up, that you will most likely sleep with a man too easily. Ah yes, the lists goes on. This is especially effective on a first date with a quality man. Stick to one drink when you’re meeting a man and you’ll be safe from this turn off.

4) Swear. If you are looking for a man who doesn’t need to respect his woman, then swearing will certainly turn the classy, quality men off and get you the attention of crass, disrespectful, tacky men. In my opinion, a woman should never swear in front of someone she doesn’t know, or doesn’t know very well, especially if she wants to attract his attention.

Later, after you’ve gotten to know him, swearing in the right situation, to make a point, is okay in my book. But don’t ever be a potty mouth.

5) Let your body go to pot. Most men, even those who are way out of shape want a woman who appears healthy.

Not skinny, just healthy.

You don’t need to be a size 2. You can be a size 12 and be healthy. So if you want to turn men off, gain weight, don’t exercise, and to add a guarantee, ignore your hair, make-up, clothes and generally show that you have no respect for your body or your appearance. That’ll pretty much do it.

If you do any of these things, just know that you are narrowing the field. You need all the help you can get so doing any of the above makes it more and more difficult to find a good man with whom to share your life.

If you want to learn how to determine if a man is a Caveman, a Dog, a Prince…or all three, download three free ebooks at KaraOh.com.

Women frequently write to me describing what’s going on with the man they’ve been seeing, asking if it looks like he’s done with them.

A good question to ask yourself is, “What’s the worst thing that will happen if he is over you?” Will you die? Not unless you do something to yourself. Usually, when there’s a break-up, the person eventually gets over it, then falls into the next relationship. But generally, nothing was really learned from the previous relationship that would make them smarter the next time.

Much of what I teach is how to take control of our lives. One of the most important steps in doing that is trusting that what is happening now, especially if it hurts, is preparing us for the next thing. When one relationship doesn’t work out, it simply means that you weren’t a match.

If you learn the lessons from that relationship, you will be better able to create a relationship that makes you happy, that isn’t always so much work, one where he makes you feel cherished and adored. It takes some soul searching, honesty and work on yourself, but definitely worth the effort. After all, you do want a love-filled relationship, don’t you?

Why do we hang on to a relationship that isn’t working when, once we let go, we are then open to something that DOES work. Something to think about.

Chelsea Kaplan wrote an article titled “Are You The Last One Single?” One of her pieces of advice attempted to answer the question: How can single women project confidence when inside, they’re panicking? She recommends that a woman “project a radiantly positive persona, date with dignity, and transform any desperation sensations into high desirability–that’s how to reign in the Panic.”

From personal experience, this is not something you just do. Using my Love Triangle it first requires you have clear Awareness (the 1st side of the triangle) of what you’re doing and feeling. Once you become aware, you can then shift your Intention (the second side of the triangle) so that you have more choice in how you are responding inside.

An example would be the following: You’re with a man you find attractive. This adds pressure because you want to be sure he likes you. You begin to feel the inner panic that he might not be interested in you, which causes you to slip into a state of insecurity. If you are not aware that this is going on, you will most likely not be attractive to him because men like women who are confident, at ease with themselves, and comfortable to be with.

But once you notice you’re beginning to feel the discomfort of insecurity, you have moved into a state of awareness. That’s when you can do something about it, which is to shift your intention. To do that you could tell yourself to relax and breathe. Or you could shift your concern for yourself over to him and that he might be feeling insecure as well. Or you could imagine loving energy going from your heart to his.

This will cause a shift in your Energy (the 3rd side of the Love Triangle). When you are in a state of insecurity, what Kaplan calls Panic, your energy is quite unattractive to men, even repellent. So with any shift in Awareness you allow yourself the option of shifting your Intention, which can then cause your Energy to go from repellent to attractive… so much so, that the man you’re with could very well be so drawn to you that you become irresistible.

When you can do the above, dating becomes fun. That’s when you have choices, that’s when you feel fully empowered as the magnificent woman you’re capable of being. My course, From Flirting To Forever teaches women how to shift their energy from ” repellent panic” to “attractive Feminine Grace.”

If you want to know if a man is a Caveman, a Dog, a Prince, or all three, be sure and download my 3 free ebooks at KaraOh.com.

I was talking to a 37 year old man today – I’ll call him Jake – about his recent experiences with women. He related a conversation he had on the phone with a woman he hadn’t even met yet. She told him she had 63 things on her list that she was looking for in a man. She’d recently met one who had 61 items on her list but it didn’t work out. Yikes!

Then, she sent Jake an email that said she was feeling fat. THEY HAVEN’T EVEN MET YET!!! Is this woman crazy?

He said all the women he’s met have been bossy and controlling. They’re angry, bitter, and not even 40 yet. He’s generally dated women under 30. He said women in their 20′s are still able and interested in learning and improving themselves. He thought he wanted to start looking for a woman who is older, has a career, and more mature. But now he’s starting to re-think that idea. I know this man, he’s a great guy, kind, loving, generous, fun, handsome, charismatic, and patient. But he’s smart enough to know when a woman is going to be high maintenance, who enjoys beating him up.

When I first met Chris, my ex-fiance’ and still good friend, he marveled that I didn’t beat him up and wasn’t angry and bitter, as he said most women over 40 seemed to be. He just couldn’t get over it.

Ladies, if you’re reading this, can you see yourself in this young man’s description of today’s “confident, capable, take-no-prisoners” modern woman? There’s a reason why you’re single. It’s not that there are no good men left. It’s that the good ones don’t want to go out with an angry woman.

My calling in life is to teach women how to get back to enjoying being a woman and being with a man. What’s going on today is scary. It makes me sad that so many women and men are wanting to be in a relationship, but they don’t have a clue why it’s not working for them.

Any woman who is ready to quit wasting her time on the dating merry-go-round needs to understand the basic foundation of dating smart. So I wrote Date Smart and Win His Heart, which is the workbook for Avoid The Bad Boys. Get it now, before you go out on your next date.

There are plenty of good men out there but you’ve got to know how to attract them. They’re running scared because most women they meet are angry and don’t seem to even like men. If you can learn the art of Feminine Grace, you’ll be shocked how men will stand in line for the chance to get to know you. It’s not that difficult but you need to be willing to make the changes that will not only make you more attractive but also make you happier.

There’s nothing that compares to great sex. It comes with confidence, comfort with our partner and a willingness to be both vulnerable and spontaneous.

But if you think sex should be a certain way, it’s very difficult to have great sex. An idea that will definitely keep you from having enjoyable sex is thinking you aren’t experienced enough. Experience is a good thing, but not essential to enjoying being sexual with someone.

If your partner is messing up the fun in the bedroom because they’re concerned they aren’t as experienced as you are, here’s an idea. Tell them that you, in a certain way, are just as inexperienced, in that you two are just getting to know each other.

When people care about each other, there’s a pressure to please. When a man is good at ‘performing’ because he’s been with a lot of women, and the next woman is just one more woman to impress, he has no trouble. But the moment he cares, those little insecurities can slip in and even the most confident man can find himself having difficulty either with desire or ability to perform.

In my previous relationship, he always needed me to be in the ‘right space’ emotionally and spiritually for him to become aroused. I tried to tell him that sex could be all over the map. Sometimes raw and nasty, sometimes sweet, sometimes deeply loving, sometimes profoundly spiritual. But for me, the most important thing was to connect sexually, because that’s how I bond.

When I told him I no longer wanted to be a romantic couple, we decided to have a session with our two therapists (mine was recommend by his) where I would give the ring back to him. One of the things I said, in explaining why our relationship was no longer working for me, was what I said above about sex, and finished up with, “Sometimes you just want to fuck.” His therapist sat up and said, “See, Thomas, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.” So his therapist had apparently been trying to get him to see my point as well.

When you let go of how it should be, how experienced or knowledgeable you need to be, you can begin to develop a joyful, sensuous, fulfilling sexual relationship.

Great sex needs to be allowed the freedom to unfold in its own way. Sometimes it can be raw and nasty, some time it’s quick-gotta-have-you-now, sometimes sweet and loving, sometimes passionate and very sensuous. If you have no expectations–even though you might begin with an idea of how it will go–then just allow it to go where it wants to, you’ll have a great physical relationship. That’s when magic happens. Magic NEVER happens when we TRY to make it happen.

If both of you can let go of expectations and insecurities you’ll develop the perfect sexual relationship to match you both. Make it a child-like exploration of discovery and it will be great. A wonderful way to explore your sexual union is to listen to Boring In Bed together–my program on better sex. Listening together, then talking about–and practicing–what you’re learning, will help break down the walls or barriers that have kept you from relaxing and simply enjoying each other.

I invite you to download my three free ebooks so you can determine if he’s a Caveman, a Dog, a Prince or all three at KaraOh.com.

Is shyness or insecurity keeping you from meeting your soul mate? Here’s a simple way to become more confident and start having more fun.

Men agree that one of the most attractive qualities in a woman is when she’s self-assured, likes herself, is comfortable with who she is, likes how she looks and most importantly, she’s happy. And one of the sexiest things about a woman is one who loves her body… not how skinny she is. It’s impossible to be all those things when you’re shy or insecure. And being happy and being shy are polar opposites. Feminine Grace, which I introduce in Men Made Easy, is all about self-confidence and loving being a woman.

Being shy is a state of mind and can be changed with practice. The more you describe yourself as shy, the more you believe that it’s true. Have you ever said, “That’s just the way I am,” when describing why you’re shy? Or maybe you’ve heard someone else say that.

The sad thing is, shyness keeps you from having fun. I know because I used to be painfully shy and insecure. It was so bad that I assumed people would rather not have me around.

Then, one day, like a bolt of lightening, I realized that I was being very self-centered. As this idea took hold I discovered that I was focusing on what others thought of ME, worrying about how other people saw ME, how they felt about ME, and how they might be judging ME, and fearing that I would do something that would embarrass me.

I was a student of human nature. I realized in that moment the truth about most people. We’re all shy (albeit at different degrees in different situations) and simply waiting for someone to make the first move. Don’t you admire people who can go up to anyone, introduce themselves, and begin a conversation?

Well, you can become that kind of person, the kind of person people enjoy having around. I know because I’ve gone from fearing that no one would want to talk to me, to how I am today, able to comfortably talk with anyone, even well-known celebrities and corporate icons.

Here’s how to get rid of that totally useless shyness that keeps holding you back from having the relationship and love you what you want and being happy.

First, here’s what will make all the difference. To truly shift from worrying about how you’re coming across (which causes shyness, fear of embarrassment and lack of confidence) you need to literally open your heart. The simplest way to do that is to realize that beneath the surface of what you see, their appearance, their clothes, their car, where they live, what they do for a living, is a person who simply wants to be loved, accepted and appreciated.

Everyone.

So keep that in mind as you consciously open your heart and imagine loving energy emanating from your heart to theirs. When you do, this whole process that I’m about to explain will be easier than you could ever imagine.

You can become a warm, loving, confident person in “a heartbeat.”

Don’t forget, everyone is a little bit shy too and waiting for someone to make the first move.

Smile:

Step #1) Practice smiling in front of the mirror. Often, when we’re shy we think we’re smiling but our mouths don’t show it. Try what I did. Imagine you’ve got a slight smile on your face, then look in a  mirror. How big is the smile you thought was on your face? My experience is that it’s never as big as I think it is and usually no one would be able to tell I’m smiling.

Another thing I noticed was that it wasn’t until I started purposefully smiling that I realized I didn’t usually smile at people other than a polite smile. But a polite smile doesn’t have any energy behind it. You want people to feel good because of the warm smile you’ve offered. Your conscious effort to open your heart will cause this to work beautifully.

To develop the kind of smile that causes people to relax you must not only smile with your mouth, you must also smile with your eyes… and as long as you’re at it, smile with every inch of you. Imagine even your toes smiling. Notice that this actually feels pretty darned good.

Step #2)  Now that you’ve become an expert at the warm smile, begin smiling at strangers who don’t intimidate you. Smile at people in the super market, on your walk, as you’re rushing to work… smile at eveyone young and old.

3) When that becomes completely comfortable, start smiling at people who do intimidate you. This will vary with each individual because you might be intimidated by someone wearing expensive clothes, someone you perceive as attractive, or someone who looks important or authoritative.

Say hello:

Step #1) The next step is to say hello to people. Start with those who don’t intimidate you, just like when you practiced smiling. And remember to keep your heart energy emanating out to theirs.

Step #2) When that feels comfortable, start saying hello to people who do intimidate you, working up to the scariest.

Compliments:

Step #1) Next, start complimenting people who don’t intimidate you. Find something about them like a color they’re wearing, a dress, a tie, their hair, whatever. It doesn’t matter as long as your intention is to sincerely make them feel good.

Step #2) Compliment scarier and scarier people as you become comfortable with each new level.

Flirting:

Now, start flirting with people who don’t intimidate you. I don’t mean sexual flirting. I mean get them to laugh, play with them, compliment them and tease them in nice ways. A great way to learn to flirt in this way is to start with kids. The same kinds of silly, friendly things you can say to a child (or even a cute dog) is what Friendly Flirting is all about.

Step #1) Then start flirting with more and more intimidating people. Learn how fun it can be to bring smiles and laughter into people’s lives.

Step #2) Making people laugh is another aspect of flirting. You don’t have to be a comedian to get people to laugh. Watch others, rent movies that have people who act like what I’m talking about and practice till it’s comfortable. And always practice each new level on people who are completely unintimidating to you.

Just to remind you that this can work if you really want it to, I used to be afraid of approaching anyone I didn’t know. Now I look forward to meeting new people because I know that I make them feel better for having met me. That’s because my heart is reaching out to theirs all the time.

Conversation:

Step #1) Start conversations with strangers who don’t intimidate you: People in line with you at the supermarket, people in parks, waitresses, secretaries. Whenever you want to practice, go out and find someone to talk to. Watch what other people talk about. Notice things around you. Make comments, ask questions and keep your heart open to the part of them that simply wants to be loved, accepted and appreciated.

Step #2) As you become more comfortable, start conversations with more intimidating people.

Step #3) Now that you’re pretty comfortable with other people, start walking up to people (when it’s appropriate) and introduce yourself and begin a conversation. It’s all about intention (wanting it) and lots of practice. But as you get more and more comfortable doing these things you’ll start having fun.

If you practice all these steps, I guarantee you’ll get over most, if not all, of your shyness. Sure, everyone gets insecure and intimidated occasionally, but they simply acknowledge the feeling and go ahead and do it anyway. You can do this if you really want to. It’s up to you to put in the time and work. But trust me, because this is how I got over being shy, it works.

If you want to understand what attracts men, and even more, what causes them to not only fall, but stay in love, you’ll definitely want to take a look at Men Made Easy where I reveal my 12 Secrets about men.

And if you want to figure out if he’s a Prince, a Dog, a Frog or all three, you’ll want to download my three free ebooks at KaraOh.com.

What do you do to keep your composure when you know you’re going to an event where you will run into your ex? I get this question a lot and here’s what I’d do if I was in the same situation.

Imagine he’s got on some stupid outfit, like a clown suit, or a stuffed animal, or something else that you think is silly. I would recommend you do a Relaxation Meditation and while in a deeply relaxed state, get the image clear in your mind so it tickles you.Make it as real as possible

Then, at the event, any time you notice yourself becoming self-conscious, upset or not yourself, see that image of him in your mind and you’ll immediately shift back to being happy and fun.

You can download the Relaxation Meditation at FeminineGrace.com/meditation.html

How do you know if he’s a Caveman, a Dog, a Prince or all three? Download my 3 free ebooks and find out at KaraOh.com.