When to have sex for the first time with a new person is always an interesting dilemma. There’s so much involved in the decision: fear of pregnancy, fear of disease, fear of being labeled easy if your a woman, pushy if you’re a man, fear that you won’t click, fear that you won’t measure up, fear that it means something and you’re obligated to keep it moving forward, personal agendas of what you want it to mean, doing it because it’s expected, and on and on.

The first, and most important rule is don’t ever, ever, ever have sex unless you want to, and never because you think it will help insure the furthering of a relationship.

Generally, to have sex, most women need a man to care. If a woman isn’t sure, she’ll usually make up that he cares. False expectations get built up, and when she finds out he doesn’t care, at least in the way she thought, she can be devastated.

If you need a man to care for you before you have sex with him, then it’s important to wait till you’re certain he does.

Men not in committed relationships rarely turn down an opportunity to have sex. Even when they don’t want to, the Macho Code frequently forces them to take advantage of most any opportunity, so they do it anyway. But if it’s a woman a man is seriously interested in, he’ll often be disappointed if she’s too quick to have sex with him. He wonders if that’s the way she is with other men.

Warren Farrell says there are 150 opportunities for a man to be rejected from first eye contact to intercourse. Obviously, the sooner he has sex with a woman, the sooner that uncomfortable time of possible rejection is over.

Women often complain that after they have had sex with a man, he quits calling. Men don’t always know why they do this, but here are a couple of ideas.

He wasn’t that interested. He knows what it usually means to a woman to have sex–the escalation of the relationship. If he isn’t looking for long term that’s where he’ll cut it off. Another reason is he was in it for the challenge, the hunt, and the conquest. Once he’s achieved his goal, he’s ready to move on. He might want to stay around a bit longer, especially if the sex was good and the physical attraction is there, but again, he knows women usually make it mean something significant, and that’s not what he wants.

To be seduced by a woman is appealing but can be scary for a man. They say yes, but, just like women, they can feel used. They fear the pressure to perform, or fear the woman is after him for marriage and security.

Some say it’s okay to have sex on the third date, some say the fifth. Some much longer. There’s no magic formula. Allow however much time it takes for both of you to feel comfortable that you are entering a committed relationship, meaning, you are verbally promising to each other that you will not date anyone else and will have sex with no one else.

Sex is a deeply personal way to connect with someone so be intelligent, know your own heart, know how easily you get involved and how easily you get hurt if you begin to care. Basically, be thoughtful and aware.

Did you know that for most men, the only way they know how to be intimate? I have an entire chapter in my book, Men Made Easy, that explains why and how you can use this information to keep your relationship passionate and ever deepening in love.

From my heart to yours,

The Heart Whisperer™