Here’s another question from a different facebook friend:

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Hi Kara,

I had a quick question. The thing is, I’ve always believed that I shouldn’t be with a man who cheats on me. If a man cheats on me, I loose all trust in him. And without trust…

However, I’ve been talking to a few of my girl friends and each time, this topic came up. They all said in various ways that I should instead try to understand the guy’s side. They brought up various sort of ‘acceptable’ reasons, the craziest being witchcraft! Yes, one told me I should understand it if another female used some witchcraft spell or love portion and succeeded in seducing him!!

At this point, I felt that they were just looking for any reason to accept it.
To me its pretty simple. If a guy’s cheating/having sex with some lucky lady out there, whats done is done. Actions are always louder than words.

I’m I really being too rigid on this topic? These past couple of days, I’ve heard this over and over again and i’m almost starting to doubt.

Thanks,
C.

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Well, I’m with you, C. I think they are just making excuses for what they don’t want to face.

Here’s what I believe:
1. It’s not natural to be monogamous
2. But, when we make a promise to someone that we will be, then breaking that promise is what really is important
3. It has to to with a person’s integrity
4. We should not be in a relationship with a person who lacks integrity
5. If we are a self-respecting person, we will not respect a person who lacks integrity
6. If someone has made a promise to us and breaks it, we can not respect nor trust that person any longer

Therefore, we should not be with someone we do not trust or respect. I left my 29 year marriage because my husband, a good, well meaning man, cheated. It wasn’t that he had sex with someone else, it was the lies he told to my face. When I discovered the deceit, I realized I no longer respected or trusted him.

It’s not the sex, it’s the broken promise that matters. If a woman respects herself, she will not stay with a man who cheats.

I stand with you. I hope that helps.

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Thanks so much for the quick reply. I broke up with my ex last year due to that and the fact that his lies had no ending. I actually feel relief now,and I’m just thankful not to have such a person in my life.

I believe in integrity, self-respect and trust. I also believe that we have the right to demand that in our relationships.

29 years is a very long time and I won’t even pretend to imagine I know what you went through.

What I can say though is that when the hurt eventually faded away, you were really proud of the fact that you realized that you deserved better.

If there is one thing I know, its that that special man in your life knows just how much self-respect you have for yourself, and what a strong and special woman you are. The fact that you could walk away shows that it isn’t a relationship, marriage or someone else who makes you happy, but that you make yourself happy.

You are so inspiring, its amazing.

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It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to endure. I cried all day, every day, from the moment I woke up until I fell asleep at night, exhausted. I was going to school at the time so during class, I did great (ended up on the Dean’s Honor Roll) but between classes and before and after, tears.

But, I know I was growing and learning about myself. It turned out to be the greatest gift of my life. I never know I could be as happy, empowered, sensuous and fully a woman as I am today.

I remember once pacing in front of my husband, angry, saying to him, “I’m not ready to leave this situation yet because there’s more for me to learn.” When I did leave, I knew it was time, I’d learned everything I was going to, and I have never once felt I should have stayed even one minute longer. No regrets… just blessings.
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I really believe the primary reason to be in a relationship (other than to make babies) is for the opportunity to grow. Relationship really is “the fast track to personal growth.” But you need to have the tools and know-how to take advantage of all the opportunities that are being thrown at us almost daily. They each represent A.F.L.E. (Another F—ing Learn Experience.)