A woman wrote to me recently wanting to know how she can trust her man. He lied to her and said some mean, hurtful things while under the influence of alcohol. He has since become sober and working very hard to rebuild her trust in him and her love. He sound like a very loving, caring man who apologizes regularly, letting her know he wants to gain back her trust. I thought my response might hit a chord with some of my readers.

=============

Hi S.,

I’m going to be very blunt, and honest, which is the only way I can be of any service.

First, I have to say that all the disharmony you are feeling within you are created by you, in your own mind. That isn’t to say those things you described aren’t happening. But your reaction to them, and the hanging on to the negative feelings are within your power to change.

You are focusing on what your partner has done that hurt you, rather than on how hard he is trying to show you his love. He’s there for you in ways that many women would love to have in their lives. He is admitting his weaknesses. We all have weaknesses and acknowledging them to our partner is a powerful way to connect. It appears you CAN trust him to be there for you, to support you, to love you, to care about your well-being.

I suggest you focus on what you DO have, acknowledge him for all that he gives you. We often push our partners away by keeping in the forefront that which isn’t working, rather than that which is.

If you sit and either in your mind, or in actuality, connect with his heart, allowing the energy from your hearts to merge, let go of the hurt, focus on the love… I suspect you will be brought to tears. If you do this process, then hold those feelings of connection and “one-ness” as you go about your week, the energy between you will shift. You will both become more loving, more accepting and more open to each other.

Regarding the other things you mentioned, your brother, mother, father… you can either allow those things to create disharmony within you, or you can just accept them as part of this thing we call life. The Buddha talked about how we live in a state of suffering and how it is of our own making.

Yes, bad things happen but our response to the people and situations around us (including the thoughts we have about our own actions) is completely within our power to control.

I recommend you begin a daily practice of gratitude. Before you go to sleep list all the things you are grateful, from the profound to the mundane. You will awaken with more peace in your heart and you will become a more loving person. Then, throughout each day, remind yourself to be grateful for something, even if it is that you do not have any hangnails today. It doesn’t matter because when we are holding gratitude in our hearts, we cannot hold anger, hurt, resentment, or any other negative thought or feeling.

One of the questions on my facebook wall recently was about why we call it personal growth “work.” It takes conscious effort to transform our daily thoughts but when we do, we can become whatever kind of person we most want to be. But, this is important, many people I work with actually choose to be miserable. It’s comfortable in that it is familiar and there is no work involved, no effort that needs to be put out. They don’t know they are they choosing to be miserable they just think they are being right.

It’s not always easy to be brutally honest with ourselves but it is a requirement if we are going to “work” ourselves into the habit of being happy. And this is about habits. Our “thinking habits” color each moment of our lives.

I hope that helps in that I’ve given you some things to think about. I’m glad you’re a friend and interact with us on my wall.