A woman wrote to me today for advice about a man she’s involved with. I won’t put her email here because more than anything, I want to offer two tools for helping you make a decision. One is a Ben Franklin and the other is The Rocking Chair Test. Here’s my advice to her:
Dear L.

I’m concerned for you because there seem to be several unhealthy aspects to this relationship. If a man occasionally hurts you (with intent), is emotionally messed up, won’t have you in his house… It seems pretty clear he doesn’t respect you. Especially when he says you used to be a “sweet girl.”

Being a sweet men (obviously only occasionally), liking opera and food is not enough on which to build a relationship. I think it would be healthy for you to step back and do what is called a Ben Franklin. On a piece of paper, write a line down the middle. On the left side write all the pros and on the right side all the cons. This will take you out of the emotional attachment of the situation and see in black and white what you have.

Bottom line: Does it make you feel better to be in this than out; does he make you feel special; do you feel more like a woman; are you happy?

That was the extent of my advice, but when I came over here to post something on my blog, I realized I should include The Rocking Chair Test. Here’s how this works:

Look into your future, when you are sitting on your metaphorical front porch, in your metaphorical rocking chair, looking back on your life. Looking at both choices in any decision you are trying to make, yea or nea, and with each, ask yourself if are you happy with the choice you made. What I’ve notices is this takes the childish “I want it now” out of it and allows you to feel whether you lived your best life.

Living your best life, fully, passionately, powerfully is the best way to honor the gift of being human on this magnificent planet.