The most enticing thing we can do when we’re getting to know someone new is listen. All too often we’re preoccupied with other thoughts, what’s going on in the room around us, wondering if they like us or planning what we’re going to say next. It’s a turn-off when we notice someone isn’t listening.

When two people are just getting to know each other, generally one or both are nervous. If you focus on making your date feel comfortable and at-ease, you will both relax. You’ll relax because you’ve quit thinking about yourself and shifted your focus to them; then they’ll relax because your “heart is showing”. Most people are uncomfortable around someone who is obviously nervous or insecure so the more self-assured and comfortable you are, the more comfortable they will be.

When someone listens to you with full attention, it makes you feel special. It feels good when someone shows genuine interest and makes you feel like you matter. This level of listening is so rare that when it does happen, it can actually create an attraction that might not have occurred without it.

The most effective way to capture a person’s interest  — and learn about them — is to listen, ask them questions about themselves, not say too much about ourselves, and listen some more. Dotty Walters, the Grandmother of Public Speaking, teaches the magic of saying, “Tell me more!”

It’s important not to fake interest just because someone is attractive. If they’re not interesting then we’re doing them, and ourselves, a disservice. When the attraction wears off, you’ll be stuck in a sticky situation. Face it, not everyone is interesting to everyone else, even when they’re great looking.

Women are often guilty of pretending they’re in awe of what a man is saying to them him to like them. Older men in particular like to share their knowledge and can get going with very little encouragement. If a woman pretends to be hanging on every word, that can be enough for him to want to keep her around. That’s not fair to him, and would be insulting if he knew. Of course, men shouldn’t fake interest either. Either way, this is a form of leading someone on.

Part of mutual attraction and compatibility is how much each person talks. If both people need to talk 60% of the time, there’s obviously going to be a problem. On the other hand, if both people only talk 20% of the time, the silences will be overwhelming.

The people with which we feel that magical pull, balance us on the talking scale. An example of compatibility might be where one talks 40% of the time, the other talks 50% and there’s a nice comfortable 10% available for silence.

I would not be surprised if a lot of people have quit seeing each other because the talking scale was off, never realizing what went wrong.

From my heart to yours,

The Heart Whisperer™

Kara Oh
Dating how-to: DateSmartAndWinHisHeart.com
Dating tips: SecretsToDatingSuccess.com