Woman often write to me asking how they can help a boyfriend who is addicted to drugs or alcohol.

Well, I know a bit about this topic because my mother was in AA for 44 years. One thing I’ve learned by being around addiction, and paying attention to what other women have gone through with their men, is that you cannot help someone who is addictive. It will only drag you down. The person can only help themselves.

It’s one thing to be married and have the problem of addiction creep up on you over time. It’s something different entirely to date someone who is addicted.

It’s easy to get sucked into trying to help someone we are developing feelings for. But you should want a  man who is strong, capable, someone you can respect, someone who makes your life better, not filled with problems, someone who cherishes and adores you and would never want to create problems for you.

When someone is addicted to anything–drugs, alcohol, gambling, women–they only care about getting more. They are not capable of caring about you. Yes, there are moments, but it’s not worth the heartache because YOU CANNOT FIX THEM… you cannot help them… they can only help themselves… and only after they hit bottom, meaning they’ve taken themselves and everyone around them down to that awful place.

Even those who do not ruin their lives, who can just stop their addictive behavior, cannot be helped. They must do it on their own, when they are ready.

It’s not your problem and to get involved when you don’t have to is something you need to look at about yourself. If you are in this kind of situation, you need to get to a point where you realize you deserve better. Of course, he’s worth helping, but you’re worth living a happy life where you don’t take on the problems of someone else. He’ll get help when he’s ready.

You will waste your precious time and energy trying to fix someone who is not fixable. Only he can fix himself, and only when he’s ready.

Another thing I learned from being around the AA program is that it’s best for someone to wait for a couple of years of sobriety (at least) before they should get into a relationship. That’s because relationships can push so many buttons and be so stressful.

So the bottom line is, move on. Don’t try to help anyone, boyfriend, girlfriend, family member when they are addicted to something. They must help themselves.

If you are in the habit of dating men who aren’t emotionally available, who don’t cherish you, who don’t respect you…etc…etc…then it’s time to start dating smart so you will find Mr. Right. Don’t waste another moment on Mr. Wrong.